SEXTALK / All in the Family
by Angelica LeMinh / illustration Delphine Ettinger

] How many degrees really separate you from the hottie you meet under the mistletoe? This holiday season, we reflect on an oft-swept-under-the-rug source of sexual tension during already stressful gatherings amidst the eggnog (double rum), tinsel and retail shuffle.

KISSING COUSINS
The following anecdote was provided by a fine, tight-pants-wearing colleague of mine: “I have an aunt who was married to her cousin, and all was well until the day she came home to find that a home video he had made of himself screwing the lesbian neighbour was left in the VCR. Needless to say, she divorced him, only to marry another one of her cousins, and they all still live in the same neighbourhood.” Whew. Happily ever after in a Married With Children kind of way, but incest (remember, for dogs it’s called “pure breeding”) has been used
historically in royal families (enforced by law in Britain) and, as Stephen Colbert reminds us in his latest book, outlawed (but favored as a practice by some of the southernmost of our American cousins) by the United States (Colbert admonishes the government for “interfering”). Lust doesn’t know the limits of a gene pool, though, and not all surprises are good ones.

TURKEY BASTING
From porn to pop culture (Nelly - the rapper, not Furtado - pre-Ashanti, was all about “fucking lesbian twins”), twincest is all the rage. Maybe it’s a scientific nod to cloning (whaddup, Dolly!) or an ode to the fantasy
of mutual masturbation in the most virtual reality sense. It’s no longer about threesomes anymore, but about being the oddball or the meat in the middle of the matching buns of a manwich, All the way under the umbrella of sexual preference, twins are tit-illating (blondes and Asians heavily favored). We’re no longer just friends of Dorothy, but of the Tin Man, fat Michael Jackson and that flaming Cowardly Lion too - yeah, I’ve been watching The Wiz again, so sue me.

ORNA-MENTAL
Perhaps it’s because television siblings are played by a bunch of horny actors that a slightly incestuous air floats through some sets and permeates through the small screen. For example, Brenda and Brandon (twins too!) on 90210, Ross and Monica on Friends, Boone and Shannon on Lost, and let’s not even get started on Arrested Development or Six Feet Under’s Brenda. And it’s all fun and games until someone’s accepting her Oscar by making out with her brother, oops, I guess Brad has another reason to watch her while they’re jet-setting around adopting the world’s children. Incest is perhaps the bitter-sweetest taboo in music as well; Prince did it early (like most everything else) with Sister, Nirvana named a whole album Incesticide, South Park provided the alterna-curse “Unclefucker,” but nobody’s really picked up the slack lately, so all you aspiring hit-makers out there, I’m sure Akon or T-Pain will be open to hear some pitches... 

SANTA DADDY
Let’s talk about Oedipus baby, let’s talk about you and me, let’s talk about all the good things and the bad things that may be. The Complex is widely known since its dissemination from Greek mythology, and the concept is simple: you are in competition with your father for your mother’s affections, yadi yadi ya. The Negative Oedipus Complex is supposedly for the bi set, where the identification is with the mother. Jung expanded the concept for the ladies with Electra, which is built around that “pen-is-envy.” But the idea of a Sugar Daddy or a Sugar Mama isn’t so wrong, is it? Who wants to work all the time to have nice things? Sometimes it’s cool to be taken care of. So, as it gets colder outside, everybody get your Anna Nicole Smith and Kevin Federline on and stay warm in mink and chinchilla! (I am totally kidding, I would be so happy if a date sprang for a pair of $7 skates from the crack-heads on the corner, shit. And if it works for you, no Haterade is even being sipped over here, none at all.)

TRIMMING THE TREE
Last Christmas, you gave her your heart. The very next day, she gave it away. This year, to save yourself some tears, keep it for yourself and give her your cousin’s dick in a box! I’m wishing for Jean Grae’s, myself. Here’s to being naughty and nice, but more naughty, because that is truly the gift that keeps on giving. See you next year! [

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