SEXTALK 69 Revolutionary New Ways to Re-funk Your Junk… Again
by Angelica LeMinh / illustration Delphine Ettinger pour NIGHTLIFE Magazine

] Travelers through Southeast Asia often encounter the phrase “same same but different.” Nobody really knows what it means, but if you break it down, it’s really quite deep. It’s the feeling that comes with that sneaking suspicion that you’re being bamboozled month after month with “new” fashion and/or sexual advice from a largely uninspired industry. The gimmick is a hundred and seven percent in the packaging, so it’s no wonder that people are caught up in their own image of their naughty bits.

NAPPY DUGOUT
Since when is it automatically assumed that genitals should be bare? I’m not advocating a ‘70s revival coif (where sideburns reign supreme), but what’s with the aversion to hair? A little bit is nice for aesthetics, anything in moderation as long as it’s maintained. Waxing hurts, Brazilian or nads, and adolescent nether-regions are kind of creepy. Oh, and it doesn’t make it look that much bigger.

HELMET OR HOODY?
A friend once recounted an astounding anecdote of a university-educated man who not only had no idea that he was circumcised, but proceeded to deny the fact after it was proven in an, er, intimate and awkward unveiling. Men usually feel an affinity for their foreskin, or lack thereof (“nobody likes turtle dick, right?” “this is the natural way,” “it’s cleaner” - the last argument is used for both), but some even try restoring the rights stripped from them at birth by their parents by engaging in foreskin restoration. The process varies between surgical or not, is time consuming, and has no guarantee on looks or sensitivity, but fellas are still willing.

OUR LIPS ARE SEALED
Who doesn’t shudder when Borat talks about his wife’s ‘vagine’ hanging like the sleeves of a wizard? But now there are “options” for women who have large or unsymmetrical labias, which of course do not include having large or unsymmetrical labias. The beauty standard that has penetrated the fortress of the panties to extend to the coochie has largely been dic(k)tated by the spread eagles of adult stars. Just like the lack of plus-sized models in fashion, there are few ladymeat curtains flapping about in porn, and renovations are being made to the honeycomb hideout faster than Xzibit can pimp rides. The makeovers span from out to in, with “rejuvenation” surgeries to tighten the walls (Kegel exercises, anyone?) and hymen reinstating to rectify that “not so virgin feeling.” Who wouldn’t want a do-over knowing now what we didn’t know then, but seriously people, some rites of passage just need to be accepted so that we can move the fuck on.

INNOVATION STATION
During a recent interview with the city’s humblest drummer, the notion of innovation came up in the sense that you must introduce new things that are not completely foreign (“mash-ups just sound like you let your record play and accidentally started another one”), but new enough to set off a wave of imitation (in flattery and reflection, of course). That is a fine balance indeed, as most times we are just spoon-fed the same fodder that keeps the machine moving, but every once in awhile, something so crazy comes along, like a new lumberjack swing, that just works (check Montreal’s own National Parcs), like electro-bluegrass. Sometimes, all the bells and whistles of a cutting-edge design are just useless (think back to when telephones actually rang and were used as phones), so in a time when everyone is trading up for new model, get to know the goldmine that you already have between your thighs. It’s like the Greek god Priapus who was punished for trying to rape a goddess with a set of enormous but useless wooden genitals. Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it. And if you still need a little ‘pick-me-up,’ there’s always Kanye’s workout plan, no gym required. [

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